If you were to ask me what the most important factor in having a natural birth is, I would tell you that it’s getting rid of fear.
{Fern helping out at my 34 week midwife appointment}
When you’re pregnant there is one common theme when it comes to the advice others will bestow on you about the experience of birth and it is that of fear.
I cannot even begin to recall all of the horror stories and comments people shared with me when I was pregnant with Fern and they would find out that I was planning to have a natural birth. It was like, “Oh what? You think you’re having a natural birth? Well, let me tell you a story that will put the fear of God into you.” I have been told stories of dead babies, emergency c-sections, horrific tearing that resulted in multiple surgeries…the list goes on.
I’m not sure why people like to tell these stories since it’s not really helpful, but they like to tell them nonetheless, and if you’re a first time mama-to-be who was already feeling nervous about the prospect of pushing a human out of your lady bits? Well, let’s just say these little anecdotes aren’t really going to make you feel any more confident about your current state.
But, the thing about birth and fear is that there is an anecdote: positivity. I learned this during my first pregnancy. I inundated myself with positive birth stories and books and surrounded myself with people who believed in me and my ability to birth. And for those people who didn’t believe in me? Well, I had a mantra for them. Any time someone would try to regale me with their friend’s second cousin’s terrifying birth story I would stop them in their tracks and say,
“Every birth is different. My birth could be more difficult than most or it could be easier. I know it will be hard work, but I believe that my body is strong and capable and that it was meant to do this, so I am not afraid.”
Even though I didn’t always believe this, I never admitted it out loud. I had my doubts and fears just like every other woman does from time to time, but I believe so strongly in the power of positive thinking that I was never willing to give these fears credence by saying them out loud. I was also very careful to always say that “we were having a natural birth at a birthing center” when people would ask where I was delivering instead of saying “I’m hoping” or “I’m trying” for a natural birth. I know things happen and natural birth isn’t always possible so I also prepared myself mentally for that, but in general I feel like those phrases are tiny doorways for doubt. Every friend I’ve ever known who has said “I’m hoping/trying for a natural birth” has ended up having some type of intervention or another when the time came. There’s totally no shame in getting an epidural or what have you if that’s what you want, but if a natural birth is really what your goal is, then you have to dig in your heels, because you will want the drugs at some point. Pretty much everyone wants the drugs at some point…I know I did.
Now…all of this said…
I’ve been feeling pretty fearful of birth this time around. I know it sounds crazy and I figured I’d feel more confident having already gone through it once before, but that hasn’t been the case. I still totally remember what labor and birth felt like even though they say you forget and it kind of freaks me out. I think the main problem is that I haven’t really prepared myself for it this time around. No books, very few positive birth stories and I rarely ever talk about even being pregnant so I haven’t been hearing myself audibly affirm my birthing abilities really at all this pregnancy. Chasing a toddler while you’re pregnant keeps you pretty busy.
Even so, I know I need to start getting myself in the game mentally, so I’ve got birthing books on hold at the library and I’ve started reading those positive birth stories again. I know I can do this…I just have to prepare.
Wish me luck friends! T-minus six weeks and counting!
Love and no fear,
Lauren
You’re getting so close! Eeek! <– that was an excited "eeek", by the way. 🙂
You can do it, Lauren! I had a natural birth at a birth center here in PA, and I definitely haven’t forgotten what it feels like. I think for me personally it’s easiest to think about how great it is for baby to go drug free and how empowered and womanly I felt. You’re gonna do great, mama! Baby boy will be here so soon!
Good luck! I just wanted to say that I felt the same way about birthing my second baby. I had a rough experience the first time around, and I was petrified of repeating that. But it turned out to be a much more empowering positive experience the second time around for me. Whether it was my body knowing better what to do, my husband and I knowing better what to do, or just due to my son being a different baby than my daughter I, of course, have no idea. But my labor was shorter, I was able to do it (with back labor) without an epi, and the time in the hospital became this amazing, beautiful, soul-drenching time that I would love to have again in a heartbeat (but without the pregnancy…can I do that?). I felt great afterwards, too, and never took even an ibuprofen. We birthed at a hospital, but we were all doing so well, they let us come home the day after having him.
Anyway, all that to say, that I think being just as scared (or moreso) the second time is probably totally normal. You have your first to worry about as well, after all. But you’ve done this before, and when the moment comes you and your body will remember that. Sending positive baby birthing vibes your way!
Good luck! Working in OB, I will definitely tell you that natural birth comes down to one thing and one thing only: mindset. You want it, you can do it, simple as that. (Excluding any circumstances out of your control, which it sounds like you are well aware of.) It’s not that it doesn’t hurt for all women–my natural births definitely hurt (!)–but I had a completely different mindset going into them than I did with my epidural birth. It really is all about staying one step ahead of the fear. Sending positive thoughts your way for the delivery you are hoping for and healthy mom and baby!
take this from someone who said “trying for a natural birth” and ended up getting intervened, twice; YOU CAN DO IT. and i support you 100%. you will do amazing and that little baby boy you’ll get will be the best prize ever. (since fern!)
Of course you’re fearful! You know what it’s like now, and childbirth hurts. I’m not fearful of birth but I am fearful knowing my second pregnancy will be as painful as the first. I think this is natural. It’s ok to be afraid of things that we know will hurt. Anyway, hang in there, pretty soon you’ll have a lovely child and the birth will just be a memory. 🙂
You can do it Lauren! Just continue to think about all the positive things and keep going strong!
Just imagine Fern’s face when she finally gets to meet her baby brother! 🙂
I remember reading Fern’s birth story and it was quite inspirational to read – we’re not planning on having children just yet, but Fern’s birth story erased some of the fear I had surrounding giving birth (especially about the part of a baby being pushed out of my lady bits when I have such a small frame), and via birth stories I’ve heard from others, so thank you for sharing your pregnancies with us and telling it like it is!
GOOD LUCK!
xo
Good for you, man. It’s so hard to not feel like you’re being judged for choosing a natural birth when talking to someone who’s had an epidural or whatever. I guess they feel defensive and end up coming off confrontational and it is all just so unnecessary. We all make decisions for ourselves and we shouldn’t worry about everyone else.
Fern’s birth story brought happy tears (ok pretty much all birth stories do) to my eyes and I’m sure clive’s will be special in its own way. And hopefully a little bit easier and faster. My first birth was hard but the result was a pretty empowered momma. My second birth was easy peasy in comparison (2.5 hour homebirth). If you want to read about my fast and furious birth with baby #2 it’s definitely a positive story… http://withherownwings.com/2013/08/24/darwins-birth/
Oh Lauren, this was a good read and you said so much of how I felt during my pregnancy with Indie. I remembered too well the pain of Sidd’s birth and I really terrified myself for this second birth! I think I made it out in my head to be the worst thing on the face of the planet! But I read a little Ina Maye and tried to convince myself I could go the natural route a second time ( even though I was thinking, hm…maybe I’ll have to get an epidural this time!) And when my water broke three weeks early, I cried so much because I wasn’t ready! I hadn’t packed my bag, Ravi was at work, and I had just finished nursing Sidd after his afternoon nap and we were getting ready for the park! By the time we got to the hospital two hours later, checked in, and my midwife came to check on me, she said she hoped I was 3 cm and then checked me. She said, well, you’re 8 cm and this baby is coming fast, how are you feeling? And I was feeling great! The pain was nothing like I had remembered and having the first experience to compare to and draw from really helped me to focus on moving the baby down with each contraction. With Sidd I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and with indie for 20 minutes. She was born in the tub and Ravi was the one to catch her. It was so different from Sidd’s birth, but equally as amazing! Like you said, each birth is different, but you have the strength to do this again!! You will be amazing!! And soon enough, that sweet boy will be in your arms!
I was someone who said “I’m going to try for a natural birth” and I did. I think I am mostly insensate. For me giving birth was like having a terrible case of the flu. When it was over I was relieved there was no possible way I would have to do that again within the span of a week, but give me at least a month I could probably take it on. That mentality might come to bite me in the butt should we have more kids, of course. I realize there is no guarantee that one birth is like the next. But I also secretly suspect pushing out a baby is one of my few natural talents.
Such a huge huge high followed natural childbirth, I wonder if you experienced something like it with your daughter. I just tried to stay aware of it and ride the wave. There was so much excitement and support and attention for me and the new baby in the first weeks. I knew it would settle down eventually. In some ways (and I am really aware of my privileged viewpoint) birth seemed so clear cut and simple compared to parenting. It lasted one day and there was a clear goal with an obvious sense of accomplishment at the end. I’m sure I will have some nerves about labor and delivery if a second time comes around, but it’s hard to imagine I will have the same fixation on it that I did in preparing for my first.
My birth experience is probably totally irrelevant to you, but you seem to have an interest in the subject so I thought I would share. Good luck with number two. Sounds like you have a lot of conviction, I hope it goes well and bet that it will! Seems like Portland is a good place to have a natural delivery.
@Laura – I totally appreciate you sharing your experience. I definitely felt like birth was easier than those early days with a newborn as well. I had a goal I could accomplish and it was definitely empowering, so it sounds like our experiences were similar in that respect. It’s always nice hearing stories of encouragement from other mamas :).
Oh gosh I know hw you feel, except that I haven’t already given birth! It’s definitely a scary thought but I’m sending positive prayers to you!!