Life Lesson #2:
Sometimes it’s OK to go to bed angry.
Sometimes it’s OK to go to bed angry.
I’m a pretty stubborn person.
I can stay mad for quite some time if I want to.
Because of this it was no surprise that when Craig and I sat down to write our vows together before getting married he indicated that he would like me to include a promise to “never go to bed angry”. I thought: Sure. That sounds like a good thing to promise. Why would I want to go to bed angry anyway? That sounds miserable.
Fast forward 2.5 years…. I now know exactly why I’d want to go to bed angry. Sometimes I’m just way too freaking irritated and exhausted to work things out right then and there and I know that if I have to talk to Craig any more at that moment I might go postal on him.
Now, before you get all “that’s just going to cause repressed issues” on me in the comments, let me explain….
I am a huge advocate for fighting fair and fighting quickly. I think that hashing out problems as they arise is key to a happy and healthy marriage. BUT, fighting when you’re tired and grumpy is NOT fair….especially if you turn into a completely irrational jerk like I do.
I don’t go to bed angry often, but when it’s late and I know I’m probably just being an emotional basket case due to lack of sleep, I know it’s better to sleep on it and then talk it out in the morning. Usually by then though, I don’t even remember what I was so upset about anyway.
Everything looks brighter in day light :).
xo
{Lauren}
I completely agree with you. Although it’s nice to most of the time never go to bed angry….everything will look brighter in the daylight. It’s nice to know someone else feels the same way 🙂
YES, yes and a million times yes. If by the time you wake up you’re still thinking of whatever was making you angry the previous night, then there is a problem, but most of the time I just forget and reset my brain during the night. x
I’m just about to move in with my boyfriend, and I reckon this is very very good advice. Thanks!
Something cheeky in me is thinking you could always turn to life lesson #1; after all, some things are more beneficial than sleep, as you proved so well last week 😛
I agree. Often you can sleep the argument away anyway!
I agree with your Lauren. Way better to sleep first, get some energy and then maybe sort it out – if there’s something to sort out. Going to bed angry isn’t good, but fighting right before bedtime isn’t wonderful either. Makes sleeping so difficult…and yes, everything looks brighter in daylight. 🙂
I agree with you as well. Usually by the time morning comes, we are both over whatever we were angry about to begin with.
I am the same way. When I am upset it’s best just to leave me alone. I have a temper hotter than the solar tsunami.
I know this feeling. It is nice to not go to bed angry but sometimes you just need to sleep on it. I know that I can be in a very grumpy state and then I become very irrational and say things that I later regret!
Completely agree. I never understood that saying. Sometimes it’s good to take a break and walk away for a bit so that you’re both able to fight fair. A little perspective always helps too.
I agree! Sleep is the best cooling off period there is.
Sometimes sleep can be the diplomat you’re too stubborn to let into the argument when you’re still awake.
nah i think it’s a-ok. Chris and I made a promise that when we get married (in a month AH!) to always sleep in the same bed no matter how angry we are. We are the epitomy of stubborn so we agreed that we dont care if we spend the night “accidentally” kicking each other or stealing covers – we will always always sleep in our bed. ha – we’ll see!
I completely agree with you. I used to do the whole “Don’t go to sleep angry” and it were cause us to be up till all hours of the night fighting over stupid things because we were both so tired that the fight got out of hand.
Sometimes it is easier to sleep on it and finish the next day.
I hate going to bed mad… but sometimes waking up in the morning and talking about it does help the situation. And I just love when it’s completely forgotten about because somethings are insignificant and we just get caught up in emotions.
I completely agree! Give me a nights sleep and I will forget why I was upset in the first place! Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so stubborn! Happy Wednesday!
HA! Ive done this a couple of times, in the morning we always have forgotten why i was angry anway!
I used to work nights, and when i was tired and grumpy Mr D would just send me to bed hahaha
That is some excellent advice. Its so true that emotions can run even higher with exhaustion factored in.
Very smart advice. I’m totally with you.
yup i go to bed mad at jacob ad then in the morning we are good! its a new day!
oh and i need your home address again!
When did you get to be so wise? I do agree that sometimes it is best to sleep on it and talk in the morning. I believe whole heartedly that it is best never to go to bed angry,but sometimes it is best to say nothing at all until you have caught a few zzzs. Your Dad and I have learned this lesson very well, I think. Afterall, we have had 26.5 years of practice right? Thanks for life lesson #2. 🙂
I completely agree! There are times when I’m just too tired to argue my point or sort out the issues. I’m not very nice when I’m tired so if I know I’m just going to make the situation worse, I tell the hubs it’s best to just deal with it in the morning.
I used to believe going to sleep angry was horrible, but you’ve made me see this in a different light… And it makes sense, too, because when I’m tired and angry, that is one heck of a volatile combination. Hm, next time I think I will “sleep on it,” as they say!
i totally agree with you! i find i have a totally german temper where when i get angry i get really angry and i wont see any reason until i calm down, as a kid that meant my parents would let me go for a run to calm down or jump on my trampoline till i wasnt angry and then when i was calm i could be rational.
with boyfriends im finiding usually they want a quick fix when we fight. sometimes i just had to be like “i love you but im angry as hell i need to cool down we will work this out in the morning” and then id sleep on it more often then not it would work and i could see more clearly in the morning!
How could you ever worry that we’d disagree with you, when you make your argument so solid? 🙂 🙂 Nevertheless, you could’ve left it at the first paragraph and I STILL would have agreed with you. And – it took me a few years into our relationship to figure out that going to be is sometimes just easier.
I used to be the person that just wanted to fight all night. Then I actually started to just pass out during the fights, and as a couple years past I got wiser and now I fully understand how to fight, when to fight, and always always always (!!) fight f.a.i.r.!
I feel like I’m constantly re-learning this.
The hardest bit for me, is turning off my brain and being able to fall asleep, EVEN if I am exhausted.
When I go to bridal showers I always leave the following advice:
“If you won’t care about it in the morning, don’t fight about it tonight.”
Sometimes we can be so irrational that we just need a time-out.
we just talked about this at bible study last night. i totally agree with you. things that dont even bother me make me so crazy at night. we have a no fighting past 10 rule, so we stop the fight, cuddle it out, and resume sometime in the morning.
lol! I have always thought that phrase is stupid and can cause more problems than it solves. If I never went to bed angry, there would be many unneccessary arguments and uncalled for mean comments from me. I’m terrible when I’m tired, so sometimes going to bed is actually the best way to resolve the problem because in the morning I sometimes can’t even remember why I was so mad.
What I have decided is that you shouldn’t go to bed resentful – which I think is different than angry. That one causes problems later on. 🙁
Josh and I try not to go to bed angry, too, but sometimes I’m just too crabby to deal with him, and usually when I wake up in the morning, I don’t care about whatever stupid thing we were fighting about.
I’m a big proponent of taking a moment — whether that’s 15 min. or waiting til the next morning to really handle an issue that’s come up. Most often when we try and hash something out (mostly coming from a place resolution) unkind/untruthful things can be shared that aren’t helpful at all.
My hubby & I have learned to tell each other.. Wait, I want to get this figured out as quickly as possible, but right now I need a moment to breathe & settle down.
i agree with you. if you are so angry atm, you can’t just decide to be happy and make up. it doesn’t work that way. getting a good nights rest after being upset about something always helps me.
love this 🙂
I completely agree!
Couldn’t have said it better myself! I’d much rather sleep on it than regret the hurt I may have caused in the heat of the moment. Thank goodness for our comfy bed in the guest room 🙂
i agree. chris hates to go to bed angry (and he even tells me he might die in his sleep),. but i always tell him that i’m much more likely to talk rationally when i’m wide awake and have had some time too cool off. he’s the type of person why wants to talk things out as soon as they happen, but i need a little alone time, otherwise i get even more angry!
I agree! Except when I’m upset, I can’t relax enough to go to sleep. Thus I really prefer not to go to bed angry…
Wow, this sounds like such great advice!
Just because…usually when T. and I disagree and I’m all emotional, I NEVER want to hang up the phone. Have to “talk it out”. But sometimes taking a twenty minute break helps to remind you of what matters, you know?
I then recall the wisdom of having “us” rather than “me” be the priority. It helps!
Thanks Lauren!
I love this little special you’re doing
xoxo
Awwh… I am taking a class for love and logic in classrooms and I learned a great lesson today. It is not good to argue when you are in the moment and angry because you are in flight/fight mode and not in thinking mode. Hearing this today and reading your post really makes me think about my own arguing skills. One of my new goals is not get in that angry word cycle. Even if that means sleeping on it. It is better to talk it our when we can be rational.
My parents have that rule that they never go to bed angry, and they’ve been married over 20 years! I do think it’s a little silly though, sometimes they just agree to stop fighting without actually making up. I’m not sure if that actually counts. Sometimes you just need to sleep on something to feel better
I don’t go to bed mad. I just wake up miserable..everytime.
yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes you just need to go to bed and not deal with it right away. And I think sometimes that time gives you more clarity so the fight won’t seem important anymore.
I couldn’t agree more… 9 times out of 10 when boyfriend and i fight, we go to bed, wake up and can’t really remember what the problem was. Seems like most of the fight is fueled by exhaustion…
Plus I’m stubborn as a mule when i’m tired. so if i sleep on it, i’m more likely to admit i was wrong if i’ve gotten my rest!!
I go to bed mad too. I need sometime to myself to cool down so that I can think straight and then I can go back and rationally and calmly settle the argument. Sometimes that means sleeping on it. My Hubby is the complete opposite. He wants to talk it out and end it right then and there. I can’t switch emotions that fast. It’s been 8 years but I think he finally gets it, lol.
Lauren, I’m going to send you my “Always kiss me goodnight” frame 😉
Totally relate to this post btw!
I agree, sometimes it’s totally ok. My husband does a lot better just going to sleep, but I don’t do better. I’m so stubborn that I can’t sleep because I’m upset and then I just wake up upset and upset that he wakes up fine and has forgotten it all. but yes, I do have those times where I’m being a crazy head because I’m tired and just need to go to bed and it will be so much better.