Seriously people…marriage is hard work.
It’s not like I expected it to be a cake walk or anything. We did pre-marital counseling and read like a bajillion books, but it’s still been nothing like what I imagined. It’s so much better than I ever thought possible, but also SO much more challenging as well. Intertwining your life – hopes, dreams, joys, fears, past and present – with another person is some heavy ish.
In the past couple of years, there have been multiple marriages around us that have fallen apart and every time it makes me just as sad. I can’t help but but question: “What went wrong?” I usually feel a little bit blindsided and left wondering if they just woke up one day and decided that they didn’t love each other anymore.
And then I stop and think about it and I know that’s not true. Just as you don’t fall in love in one day (or at least most people don’t), a marriage doesn’t just fall apart in a day. When you’re falling in love, it’s a slow process of becoming vulnerable and sharing and doing all the little things that draw the other person more and more to you over time. In the same way, when a marriage unravels, it’s a slow process of being broken down and not mended day after day after day and slowly shutting yourself down to the other person.
I can see how easily it could happen. A marriage, and really any relationship, requires daily maintenance, and if you let it go for long enough you eventually reach a point of no return…a point where things just seem too broken to fix.
This is why Craig and I are committed to putting in effort daily in order to keep our marriage solid. We’re not perfect and we have crappy days where we yell at each other or when we get so busy that we don’t really talk, but it is our goal to keep those days to a minimum. Having a child adds a huge amount of stress and busy-ness to life, but it is so important to not become completely consumed with your kids and to neglect your partner, because the model of a healthy and happy marriage really is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give to them. I really want to encourage you to make your relationship a priority. I promise you won’t regret it.
Oh…and if you’re looking for ideas of little things you can do to reconnect with your spouse, check out this post I just did over at Babble all about the little things we do to keep our marriage strong.
I seriously have such a heart for marriage, so if you’re going through a hard time in yours and just need a listening ear, please always feel free to e-mail me: << loveoflittlethings[at]gmail[dot]com >>
xo
Lauren
You are right on the money! It takes a lot of work, and even more with kiddos but you can have an amazing marriage- an even BETTER marriage if you put forth the work and are in it together! Great post!
Really loved your babble post…the timing of it is perfect….my hubby and I have been letting work and our daughter get in the way of us lately. Thank u for this!
So sweet, Lauren! I love this! Thanks for being so open – and for the great reminders.
Lauren, you are so right about this! It sounds simple and makes sense – but in practice it is not so easy sometimes. I am not married now, but my partner and I have both been divorced once (and are raising a 4-year-old together along with his ex-wife) and have recently realized just how easy it is to fall into the rut of not mending those little daily breakdowns. It’s been a wake-up call for us.
Thank you for this!
What a beautiful post. I am one of those people who takes it REALLY hard when anyone I know (even only a little bit) gets divorced. So heartbreaking to me.
This is something that I really needed to read right now. Thank you <3
Thank you! This is such a great post! I’m still in my first year of marriage and I’m loving every minute of it, but like you, I hadn’t appreciated how hard it would be. I found the first few months very stressful as so much had changed and I was struggling to juggle work, housework and quality time with my husband. I feel like we’ve settled into a pattern now and I couldn’t be happier.
great post, lauren! so many great ideas for me to keep in mind for when we have children!
That’s a very pretty picture of the two of you! (And a great subject too. Yes, marriage is hard work, but totally worth it, I agree!)
Okay, I might sound crazy but I swear a baby has made our marriage stronger. We find we are working better as a team now that she is here and we communicate better because we HAVE to. I absolutely love that we are parents now because it is making us a better team.
So so crazy, girly pants. I was strongly considering doing a post similar to this because recently we learned something HUGE about our marriage, and that is: if we go a day or two without cuddling – even if we kiss a little – but no cuddling, we will feel so much more distant from each other. It’s a HUGE thing that has literally transformed our marriage and our relationship. I love it. Thanks for doing this!
I think MANY couples could use this advice, with or without kids!
I just wrote a post about a month ago talking about my thoughts on marriage. I couldn’t agree more with what you said about an active effort that’s involved in a marriage and that marriage is happier than you once thought and a lot more difficult too!
I wrote my ideas here in case you’re curious… http://www.me-and-mine.com/2013/01/on-marriage.html
writing/talking about my marriage is one of my favorite things to do. lovely post. thanks for sharing 🙂
longtime reader… and failed at a high school sweetheart marriage. and you are SO very right. it takes a lot of time and distance to create that process.
lesson learned, but I am so glad you touched on that!
I hope a former love of 10 years will get to read your post. I know ours isn’t broken, it’s just too bad that our friends meddled. Anyways, it’s good to be back visiting blogs – especially yours. Been a long time reader of your blog from your old blog but then I forgot my password & ended up making a new one. Happy Easter.
Such a good post. We recently welcomed our second child into our lives and with that came more stress on our marriage. I love all the little and big things you and your husband do to keep things fresh and alive. I need to make note of some of them and implement them into our marriage. Thanks for this!
great post. marriage is already hard work.. can’t imagine what it will be like with kids!