I’m going to be vulnerable today and tell you about a not-so-lovely moment that Craig and I had a few weeks ago in our marriage.
We had a fight. And I honestly don’t even remember what started it, but I do remember how I reacted and how that reaction was a pretty piss poor way to handle things.
Basically it went like this:
Craig did something that pissed me off. I did something that pissed him off too. Then we were both angry and annoyed…voices were raised and feelings were hurt. Then, awhile later, as I was proceeding to avoid him, I had to get something out of our bedroom and realized the door was locked. That made me real mad. I yelled at him to let me in and he yelled back something about why couldn’t I just leave him alone.
And that just made something in me snap.
And then I said something like “Fine! If you want me to leave you alone, I’ll REALLY leave you alone.” After that I packed up some clothes and essentials for Fern and I and got in my car to head the 25 minutes away to my parents house where I fully intended to spend the night. I was livid.
Craig and I have never walked out on each other during a fight. We’ve definitely gone entire days without talking (stupid, but true) and we can bicker with the best of them, but we don’t really have knock-down drag out type fights with yelling and I’ve definitely never packed a bag and left.
I got halfway to my parents house before realizing that this just didn’t feel right.
Walking out on my husband (even if it was only for a night) was not what I had promised when I vowed to honor and love him through better and worse on our wedding day. Even though it might not have seemed like a big deal to a lot of people, the symbolism seemed huge. I felt like I was saying, “I love you except when it gets hard and when that happens, I’m just going to leave.”
I know that realistically it would’ve just been one night away, but the potential for a slippery slope stopped me in my tracks. I never want to get to a place where walking out becomes “easy”. If I left this time, wouldn’t it be that much easier to leave the next time? And then maybe longer the time after that? And then what?
And so I came back.
And I’m not telling you this to pat myself on the back or say “Look at me! My marriage is so great!” But rather, I wanted to let you know that we have our crap too and we aren’t perfect…and marriage isn’t perfect. Marriage is hard effing work and that is the truth. For every photo you see of us smiling at the beach and laughing over ice cream cones, there are a ton of other things that aren’t photo-worthy that you aren’t seeing. And I want people to know that. Don’t feel like your marriage sucks and there is something better out there, because it doesn’t look like what you see in movies or on TV or in you Instagram or Bloglovin’ feed. The reality is that we’re all just figuring it out and we’re all tripping and falling along the way – because we are beautifully broken people.
And you know what? Even though I came back, I still didn’t give in for awhile. I am prideful and I have a hard time admitting my faults. When I walked in our front door though, I told Craig: “I didn’t come back because I’m fine. I’m still super pissed and I don’t want to talk to you. I came back because I wanted to honor my marriage vows.”
Later we talked about it and worked it out obviously, but it took time…because marriage takes time. Lucky for us, we plan on having a lot more time together to figure it out…because neither of us are going anywhere…least of all down that slippery slope.
Love and vulnerability,