Today we’re going to talk about sex. Yep. I said it. Also…this post may venture into the TMI category, so if you’re not into that kind of thing feel free to stop reading here. See…I even put a nice big image below this to break it up and give you fair warning because I’m thoughtful like that! OK. Moving on…
Sex is one of those things that everyone wants to have all the time before they get married, but after you’re married? Well, let’s just say it sort of falls down on the priority list.
My husband and I waited until we were married to have sex and when we finally said “I do”, I can tell you I was beyond excited to get to the boot knocking part. In those early days it was all about cute underwear and lacy negligees and being uninhibited and spontaneous. I’m pretty sure we had sex more often in that first year than we have since.
I get it. Life get’s busy and sometimes (most times) you’re choosing between sex and sleep and sleep just seems soooo incredibly appealing… Aside from that you probably wonder if you can even handle another person pawing at your after a day spent being bombarded with the needs of others and don’t even get me started on post-baby body hang ups…let’s just say gravity is not a very a kind bedfellow.
Basically, sex just doesn’t seem all that appealing sometimes. And really, if you’re in a loving and committed relationship and plan to be married for a really long time (i.e. the rest of your life), then a few missed opportunities for boot knocking here and there don’t seem like all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of forever, right?
Wrong.
I’m not saying you or your partner need to put out every single night or anything. That would be ridiculous and so, so tiring (honestly I’m getting tired even just thinking about it). What I am saying is that sex is important and it needs to be a priority in a marriage. Obviously sex is not what a good marriage is all about…not even close. But, good sex tends to be a byproduct of a good marriage. I would venture to guess that those people you know with truly great marriages are also having plenty of truly great sex. Just sayin’.
I read this article by Brittany Gibbons over at The Huffington Post called “What Happened When I Had Sex Every Day For a Year” and even though I don’t think I could handle “doing it” 365 days in a row, I love the idea of the experiment and the idea of this married couple taking control of their sex-lives and actively working to make it better…working to make it great. This is what I think more married couples should be doing. We make time for the things that are important to us. We schedule in time with our friends. We make time to do laundry and cook meals and go to the gym. So why is sex often just an afterthought?
I was so encouraged by Brittany’s post, that I’ve decided to challenge myself (and I hope you will too!) to make it more of a priority. Not that we had a bad sex life or anything, but putting conscious effort into it can make a huge difference.
So do whatever it takes to help you get into it. Buy yourself some pretty new underwear (dudes: this goes for you too – your lady doesn’t want to look at those raggedy things), or buy a book on technique, get a babysitter, break out some candles or do it somewhere dangerous. And do it often. How often is up to you, but often enough that is more the rule than the exception if you get my drift. I promise…even when you aren’t in the mood, odds are you will be once things start getting underway.
Let’s prove that married people can have the best sex.
Love and stuff,
Lauren
What a great post. (I also love to hear about other people who wait until marriage to have sex – seems like such a rarity now!)
Thanks Janssen! Definitely a rarity these days – always nice to know I’m not the only one :).
It’s definitely a rarity, but my husband and I did it and we’re newly married (been married for 9 months now). We are both so glad that we waited. 🙂
Jhan – so worth the wait :). Good for you guys!
My husband and I are in the post-baby sex rut now. We just went on our first family vacation and he said, “This is the first time we went to a hotel and I didn’t pack condoms.” Yup, no sex. Not even on vacation. So sad. I need to make a conscious effort to make more time for him. He works hard so I can stay at home with our daughter. The least I could do is make some time for him between baby, pumping and sleep. Thanks for the eye opener!!
Cindy – It happens mama. Don’t beat yourself up about it – you can start making the effort now. It’s super hard to get into it when you have a tiny baby, but you’ll always be glad you did it afterward. It’s a great way to reconnect when you don’t have endless quality time some days and I always feel like both my husband and I are a lot nicer to each other when it’s happening on the regular which never hurts. Remember though, it’s not just for him – it’s for YOU too! So find ways to make it enjoyable for both of you and talk about it. Maybe he might be willing to put your little to bed and give you a little time to unwind in the evenings so you can switch out of “mom mode” and maybe feel a bit more amorous? Just a thought. Think about what works for you and definitely communicate about it. Good luck friend!
My husband and I definitely went through the post-marriage rut. We got comfortable. He got tired from taking more overtime hours at work. Then we talked about it and talked about making more time for one another. After that, our sex life definitely got a big boost! I agree, it’s not what makes a relationship, but that physical connection is needed to keep that spark alive. Aside from sexual intimacy, I also find just touch in general is important.
Good for you Jessica! Sex is so important and communicating about it is the best thing you can do! And I agree about touch. Totally important…especially if it’s not really your thing in general. Touch is definitely not my love language…I’m not much of a cuddler or a hugger, so I have to be conscious to do those things to create intimacy in our marriage. I’m always glad I did.
I love this open and honest post. I also loved Brittany’s post, it’s really inspiring. My parents have been married for 32ish years and happily at that. The one thing that my mom always has told me is how important a sex life is in a marriage. When I was a teenager that was something that I just said ew, gross. I didn’t want to think about my parents doing it, and quite frankly I still don’t. But, I certainly appreciate that my mom was open and honest of how important it has been to my parents marriage and that it’s always been a priority for them. I see it in the love they share now and I can only hope I will be there with my guy in 32+ years.
One thing I always hear about is how women always stop having sex with their husbands, and at this point in my life it seems crazy to me. I have never stopped wanting it (even though sometimes tiredness and busy lives does stop it from happening as much as I’d like), and I fear that one day I might… so one of the promises we have made to each other is that we’ll never lose our sex drives, and if we do, we’ll support each other through it to get them back.
Amy – what a great legacy for your parents have given you. a 32+ year marriage isn’t as common anymore and I’m sure you’ve learned a lot from their example. My own parents were the same and I always did the “Ew gross!” thing when they’d talk about sex, but I’m glad they made it important in their marriage. As for the sex drive thing…I think it depends on the woman honestly. I’ve always been more sexually driven than a lot of my friends. I used to do a women’s Bible study on marriage and a lot of the women in the group (pretty much all of them) talked about how rarely they did it and how even when they did, they didn’t really like it all that much and I just never understood. None of us had kids at the time, so it’s not like we had the same demands on our time or had postbaby bodies or libidos. That said, I think sex drive just changes after you have a kid for a lot of women. Your hormones change, you’re exhausted, you feel less attractive…whatever. I get it. But, I still think it’s just as important as it ever was, so women need to figure out how to “get their groove back”. The effort is definitely worth it and I love that you guys made that promise to each other. So great!
I too fell into the post baby sex rut. I suffered from postpartum depression and the medication that I was put on just took all of my drive away. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it, but I never thought about it or made the first move. My husband had a sit down talk with me about how he was feeling (confused and like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore) so ended up talking to my doctor. We decided that I could wean myself off the antidepressant and now my drive is almost back to normal. It probably didn’t help that pre baby I was super amorous…we probably did it 4 times a week! It does take a lot of work, but its very important to having a healthy happy marriage!
Thank you so much for sharing that Danielle. There are definitely medical/hormonal/emotional reasons that are tied to a decreased sex drive that women should be aware of. For me, it was my IUD. I got it after I had my daughter and it was awful. Ended up having it removed and things got so much better. I think it’s important to be proactive about things like that. It’s totally valid to not want to have sex, but it’s good to figure out what those reasons are and try to work on them like you and your husband did. Sounds like you guys have great communication and I’m so glad things got better!
I’m currently in the “I’m so tired and would rather go to sleep…” zone. We are still pretty active (after 3 years of marriage and an almost-9 month old baby) BUT it’s nothing like it was as newlyweds. Like you said, I’m always happy/enjoying it once we get started, but it’s the getting started that is a challenge for me.
And, after reading this post (http://www.todaysletters.com/2008/08/small-metal-box.html) shortly after our first wedding anniversary, we’ve also adopted a small metal box. It does help be creative 🙂
As always, love your openness and honesty!!!
Lauren – That’s brilliant! Such a great idea and I definitely might have to borrow it :).
I found that I had no desire whatsoever after I had my son. I was worried that it would feel like that forever. Then I stopped breastfeeding. What a difference! It’s such a relief to know that when we have another child, my libido will go down, but it will also go back up again. I think my husband is relieved too!
YES! I definitely experienced a change when we weaned as well!
My husband and I have been together 9 years and married since August 10th! We obviously had sex before we were married (don’t regret it) and continue to have an amazing sex life. He works nights so making time is really difficult, but on his day/s off we make the time. Does it happen every single day off? No. But I would say a good 90% of time!
I personally feel an even bigger part to having a good sex life is letting your partner know what you like/don’t like, fantasies, etc. You should be able to express these without fear of being judged.
Also My husband knows if I am in the mood and he is not I am going to take care of it myself. He has no problem with this and I have no problem with him doing it. I am a firm believer that masturbation is a huge part of an amazing sex life! The more you know how to please your own body, the better you will be able to let your partner know what you like and how you like it!
I love when people talk about ‘forbidden’ topics like sex. I think sex is a huge part to having a successful marriage. It makes me feel closer and more connected to my fiance. We each have a child from previous relationships, so while we have toddlers, we’ve also only been together for under two years so we’re still in the ‘new relationship’ stage. I can’t imagine having sex every day for a year. We make time for it, and neither of us has any real body insecurities to get over like the author of the post, but 365 days of sex would be beyond exhausting. I expect sexual ruts in our future, seeing as how we plan to have another child someday, but I think as long as both people want to make it work, we should be able to get through it.
I’m currently 13 weeks pregnant with a 15-month-old who is just starting to get into everything. I’m definitely in a once-a-week rut, which isn’t so bad now that I just read it after I wrote it. I think a lot of it for me has to do with feeling flopsy after the last baby and now sick with this one. I’m excited for a month or two after this one is born. It’s like you’ve waited so long to not be huge that you can’t wait to do it “normal”. lol.
What a great post. Sex might not seem like it’s that important when the whole relationship is going great, but when things get rocky sex is suddenly a big thing. I’m totally with you on gravity not being a friend to a post baby body:)
I LOVE THIS!
I definitely think being adventurous in the bedroom with your spouse also makes a good marriage. Nobody knows what you and your spouse do in bed except you two, so be a risk-taker! Do things that seem dangerous or scare you – it shows SO MUCH intimacy and commitment – and I love that! LOVE THIS POST SO MUCH!
Yes! Great post, haha. I admit that after having two kids back to back and being more tired than I’ve ever been in my life sex falls pretty low on the priority list. My husband is so patient and understanding though. I’m glad for that. And last night I decided to go for it even though we got to bed kinda late and needed to be up early for church today…and it was so great we ended up doing it twice..heyyy! lol. So you’re right, you definitely get into it once you get started. Thanks for this post.
Yeah girl! And twice?! Wow. I’m impressed. So glad you put in the effort…totally worth it even when you’re exhausted 🙂
In my marriage, I am the one who is always wanting it, and my husband is the one who is usually too tired. I have always had a crazy sex drive, and we had sex most every day before we had our daughter. Now she is two, and we have probably had sex like twelve times! But, we are both basically working ourselves into the ground right now, and taking opposite shifts so one of us can be with her at most times, because we could never afford a babysitter. That usually means we dont see much of each other. It has definitely fallen down the priority list, but the things above it are really more important. We make time for it when we can, and we really value that time when we find it.