Losing Control (AKA Surrender)

One of my strongest personality traits is that I am almost always “in control”. It’s not that I necessarily feel the need to control all the other people around me, I just really appreciate having a plan and rarely do I leave things up to chance. When I leave my house with the kids I always come prepared with all the essentials in my bag. When I host a party, I plan and prep for ages beforehand and always set everything up the night before. My house is seldom in a state of disarray, because order is just my jam.

The thing about being an “in control” type of person though is that when things are out of my control, I get anxious. Like…really really anxious. Like hot tears-streaming-down-my-face-inconsolable as I hash out every possible worst case scenario in my mind. It’s just what I do.

Because of this particular aspect of my personality, pregnancy – as you might imagine – is pretty challenging for me. The entire process is out of my control and it drives me a little mad at times. But this third pregnancy has challenged me in even greater ways. So many things have been harder and so many little things have gone wrong…all of them are things that are out of my control. And now as I near the end of this pregnancy (currently holding tight at 40 weeks + 5 days pregnant…the longest I’ve ever been pregnant thus far) I find myself once again filled with anxiety.

If you’ve been around for awhile, you may recall the birth story of my son Clive. It was a bit of a doozy. It was longer and harder than my first. He was born only 4 days after his due date, and still came out (posterior) weighing a whopping 10 lbs. 8 oz. and measuring 23″ long. It was honestly a pretty traumatic experience. I was thankful that he came out safe and sound without incident, but it was incredibly intense. And now here I am about to do it again…with a baby who is even later than the last one and who in my worst-case-scenario-creating-mind is undoubtedly going to be bigger. Every day that I have gone beyond my due date, I wake up in tears over the fact that I didn’t go into labor during the night and overwhelmed with anxiety about what is to come.

So this morning I asked some friends for prayer that I would find peace during this time. For some reason I have a hard time asking God for things for myself. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely believe in the power of prayer and I definitely pray for others, but for some reason asking for things for myself feels like I’m treating God like a magical genie in the sky and I don’t want a relationship like that. I believe that He loves me and cares about me and the things that weigh heavy on my heart, but that doesn’t mean that I believe that he is going to spare me from any and all pain or that he is always going to cause me to prosper and have good things. That said, I needed to be reminded that it’s OK to ask for things and believe that he can and will answer. My friend Echo reminded me though this morning that I am His child and He wants me to share my heart with him…even the broken and fearful and untrusting parts. He loves me and can redeem them all. So I prayed…and then I went to my midwife appointment.

Before I arrived I decided that I was going to ask her strip my membranes to hopefully get things going, but it didn’t work out. Instead of being stressed out about it though, I actually came away feeling a peace about it. I had a non-stress test while I was there and Alice sounded great and my blood pressure (which has been a concern) was also fine and basically there was nothing to worry about. Of course I can always find a reason to worry since that’s just my nature, but I mostly just came away knowing that I just need to trust that it’s going to be OK.

Losing It (AKA Surrender) // via The Little Things We Do

God knows when Alice’s birthday will be. He knows how big she will be (hopefully not gigantic). He knows how long  my labor will be and what I will need to get through it. I’m trying my very best to just surrender it and trust that he can make this birth into a redeeming experience, because honestly there is nothing I can do (not enough sex or pineapples or castor oil or acupuncture in all the land) to try to induce labor if it’s not the right time. Whatever happens will happen and it’s going to be OK.

That doesn’t mean I’m not still a little bit anxious, but it does mean that I’m feeling a lot better about it. And who knows…maybe it’s been the fear and anxiety that’s been holding me back the whole time anyway. And now we wait…while I repeat this verse to myself: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7

Thankful for this truth and for the encouragement of friends and family today.

Can’t wait to meet you my little Alice – whenever you decide to arrive!




  1. I remember feeling like this last fall when my baby was 5 days over! I had tried all the things…many times and had had my membranes stripped 2 times already. I was considering the castor oil…but really didn’t want to be sick in labour. I was even imagining i felt less movement and pretty much just freaking out. I called my midwife and she very kindly met me for yet another membrane strip (and a non stress test to calm my nerves) on a Sunday afternoon. I went into labour that evening! I dont know if it was having the membrane stripping done again, or the endless walks around the neighbourhood in the heat, or the dance party with my 3 year old/squats in the living room (as if anyone feels like doing squats at 40+ weeks pregnant eh!). Or maybe she was just finally ready. But it was really quick once it began! Hang in there! I meditated on a quote from Ina May… “Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceros, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.” It helped me! 🙂

  2. such a great post, friend! Loved hearing about your anxiety and willingness to ask a friend for prayers. Those are two things I struggle with as well! So glad she’s now here, safe and sound! Can’t wait to meet her. xoxo

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