On Choosing My Husband Daily

I totally get why people get divorced.

On Choosing Daily // @ The Little Things We Do

Marriage is hard.

It’s hard for so many little reasons, like the fact that he can never get his dirty dishes all the way into the sink (only to the counter next to the sink) and leaves his socks everywhere…or like how I sometimes get a teensy bit OCD about…well…about everything. It’s hard because we both have a bajillion responsibilities pulling us in a bajillion different directions at any given time and at the end of the day sometimes we’re just exhausted and don’t really feel like putting in the energy and effort to try. Mostly though, it’s hard because marriage is comprised of two flawed people. Two people who are selfish and want to do things their own way. It’s innate.

I don’t pretend to have a perfect marriage. It’s not perfect. Sometimes I’m bitchy and sometimes he’s insensitive (or vice versa) and both of us definitely have selfish moments. We’re human and it happens. But we have a good marriage. I look forward to my husband coming home each night and he enjoys coming home to me. We still talk and laugh and have sex more than once a month despite being ridiculously sleep deprived. We are best friends.

But, a happy marriage doesn’t just happen. If we just sat back and let it be and didn’t nurture it, eventually it would fall apart. If you want a happy marriage you have to choose it daily by choosing your spouse.

I firmly believe that love is a choice. Yes, there are often gushy feelings associated with it, and those happen too, but far more important is that love is a choice and an action. It is choosing to lay aside my own selfishness…every. single. day. for the good of our marriage. It is my husband choosing to do the same. It is knowing his love language and finding ways to show him love in those ways that will speak most to his heart. It is about him finding new ways to love me. It is studying each other and continually learning about what makes the other person tick. It is choosing to grow together, rather than apart.

And honestly…even though there are plenty of big issues that can come up in marriage, I truly think that often it is the little things that matter most and add up to true happiness in a marriage. All of those small and seemingly insignificant actions that compile together to make a loving union. It is making the choice to hold my tongue instead of lashing out with a low blow when I’m feeling frustrated. It’s sending a text to let your husband know that you appreciate him. It is making a lunch or wearing that dress he loves. It is not walking away during a fight and hashing it out in a positive way. It is buying his favorite ice cream or surprising him with a little card. It is letting go of that mental record you have in your head that keeps track of all of his wrongs. It is husbands doing these things in turn.

Some days this is easier than others. Some days flat out suck and we don’t really like each other all that much. But, instead of letting those days drive a wedge in our relationship, we start over the next day. We don’t lord past failures over each other. We just start fresh. Sometimes apologies are necessary and sometimes the issue needs to be re-addressed, but it is always about starting over and choosing to love one another…daily.

I’ve just had this on my heart to share lately and I hope it speaks to some of you. If you’re going through a difficult spot in your marriage, I hope this encourages you to keep trying and to choose your husband daily. Maybe a little consideration for one another will do wonders for your perspective.

Love and marriage,

Lauren

Comments

  1. Loved this!

    • CAROLYN HALL says:

      MY HUSBAND AND I WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED 63 YEARS IN A FEW MORE MONTHS. YOUR MESSAGE RESONATES MY OWN FEELINGS. YOU HAVE SAID IT FOR SURE EXACTLY HOW THE LITTLE THINGS SOMETIMES HURT AS MUCH AS THE MAJOR ONES; BUT THERE WILL BE DIFFICULT TIMES IN ANY MARRIAGE. THOSE OF US WHO HAVE MOVED ON PAST THESE TO YEAR AFTER YEAR OF MORE GOOD TIMES THAN BAD. I WISH I COULD HAVE READ SOMETHING LIKE THIS PRIOR TO MARRIAGE…..IT COULD HAVE MADE ME THINK TWICE BEFORE SAYING HURTFUL REMARKS OR GIVEN ME MORE PATIENCE WHEN DIRECTED AT ME FROM THE PERSON WHO PROMISED TO LOVE ME FOREVER. ABOVE ALL WE NEED TO CONTINUE THE EFFORT IF WE CAN. HOWEVER I HAVE BEEN WITNESS TO SOME VERY, VERY SUCCESSFUL SECOND MARRIAGES IN WHICH CASE A BETTER LIFE FROM SOME SITUATIONS MUST BE ACCEPTED. A FEW MINUTES AGO MY HUSBAND CALLED TO ME FROM THE DEN WHILE I AM HERE ON THE COMPUTER AND HE SAID, “CAROLYN, YOU KNOW WHAT???” WHEN I ASKED “WHAT?” HE GENTLY SAID, “I LOVE YOU!” IT IS TIMES LIKE THIS THAT ARE WHY IT WILL SOON BE 63 YEARS OF MARRIED LIFE!

  2. I just like you so much.

  3. love. thanks for sharing this friend! It’s been such an honor to do life alongside you and Craig and watch your marriage grow. Wishing you guys so many more happy years together. Also, let’s do so many more double dates. love you!

  4. Thank you for writing an honest post about marriage! One of my favorite quotes that really resonates with me and I have framed above my bed is “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.” Albert Camus. Those tough times are rough, but we always work through it, which is such a comfort when I’m feeling like I’m failing.

  5. I feel this comment so much. I just posted something recently in my own words that has a similar tune. Thanks for sharing.

    https://josalynsky.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/marriage-is-hard/

  6. ” It is letting go of that mental record you have in your head that keeps track of all of his wrongs”
    Defntly, defntly..
    my husband is awesome on every aspect..but its that record, that records every single tiny winy thing he does that I dont like..this record is a bitch..and while I know for sure that he doesnt have a record for me..it seems frustrating. .how to let that record goooo!!!

    • It’s funny, my grandmother always had a wonderful saying about the “tapes in our head.” She would tell me, “your mind records everything, but you choose which tape you listen to. If you find yourself dwelling on a bad one, you have to replace it with a good one. And keep playing that one over and over again. The bad one never goes away, but if the good one is better than the bad one is bad — it will work every time!” She was a wise woman. I wish she had lived to see me implementing so much of her wisdom in my marriage, in my life.

  7. Lauren-

    Thank you SO much for putting this necessary perspective into words. I remember hearing people say that marriage would be work and I remember thinking – for you maybe… I thought that being married to a Christian as a Christian that we’d have very few issues. I’ve learned much about myself as well as how important it is to invest daily in this amazing and challenging opportunity of marriage-thank you!!

  8. I am not married but honestly this can apply to dating (serious relationship) as well. I live with my boyfriend and it can be downright hard sometimes but like you said starting over daily and not holding on to that list in your head is key. With the right guy it won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it!

  9. Lauren, that’s such a beautiful post to read. Such great advice in general and not just for married couples. Thank you.

  10. Cassidy Stockton says:

    This is lovely. Thank you, Lauren. It’s so true, all of it.

  11. Although I’m not married, this rings so true! That’s for an honest and heartfelt blog post!

  12. I love this so much. Thank you.

  13. I love this!! Such truth.

  14. I needed to read this. Thank you!

  15. Jocie Corbit says:

    I am so touched by your wonderful stories . I always love to read what you write.. it’s very inspiring.
    Thank you

  16. Wonderful! Thank you!

  17. Going thru some hard times in my marriage. I choose to love him every day. He is choosing to leave. Keep my kids (12 & 10) in prayer.

    • I’m sorry! I’m unfortunately in the same boat but with much younger kids. It’s awful. I’ve been praying hard and hope that he’ll come to his senses (it’s only been a few days). It’s definitely been rough but I’m trying to use it as personal growth.

  18. Great post! I got this from a friend of mine. I’m going through so much with my husband right now and I really needed this.

  19. I’m writing this through my tears after reading this post. Just this morning, I had decided that I’m tired of trying and was just going to give up. I do believe love is a choice. I choose to love him in spite of his faults. In the end, it may not work out still but at least I’ll know I’ve given it my all. Thank you.

    • Connie Gilliland says:

      That is so true, Jackie! Both people have to be willing. I am in my 3rd marriage. I worked really hard and tried to keep loving my ex husbands. However, one stepped over a line of abuse and would not stop. The other was addicted to drugs, and I finally had enough of not being about to trust a word that came out of his mouth. The first was 9 years, and the second, 15. I believe in marriage. I hate divorce. It is horrible for the kids, and even ourselves when we choose to walk away. I am married to a wonderful man now. We have been married for 5 1/2 years. We have had some hard times…but we have BOTH continued to work on it. I pray that your spouse will catch up to you and work as hard as you are on it. It hurts me to say I have been married 3 times. It hurts when my husband does something that reminds of of an ex. It hurts when I see how my kids have been hurt through all of this. The one thing I know though, is I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could. I have no regrets except that I married them in the first place.

    • I feel your pain. I’m trying really hard to love my husband daily. I’m hoping eventually he will do the same. I haven’t given up and am doing everything I can to save our marriage. Thanks for sharing Lauren!!

  20. Hi Lauren! I found you through a friend and love your writing- I’ve been binge reading. Each post seems like it was written just for me- marriage is hard, comparing ourselves to each other sucks, and little kids are somethin’ else. It’s not often that I find a blog where so many of the stories resonate. Wanted to pop in and say ‘hi’ and, if you’re interested, I sometimes throw my two cents in over at http://www.pottymouthedmommyblog.com 🙂

  21. This is a great piece. I’ve been seeing a lot lately about choosing your husband first, making him feel like a priority, ways to make your husband feel special, etc. Where are the pieces about choosing your wife first, making her feel special (even with Similac spilled on her shirt, glue and glitter all over her, paint under her fingernails, bags under her eyes and the smell of peanut butter emanating from her being)?
    Thanks!!

    • I agree! I like how this post touches on it. You each need to do it.

      I’m in a mentally abusive relationship. Married for years and my husband recently moved out. It’s hard. It’s horrible. It’s also nice to finally be free of making myself into his vision for what I should be. I don’t live in fear anymore and don’t dread coming home.

      He’s promised he’s changed. Wants to come back. However, time spent with him is just as it was prior to him moving out. We have children who are suffering. Suffering from what we are going through now. Suffering from never being enough in the past.

      Marriage is hard work. Marriage is a choice. Sometimes though, you have the wrong partner. Don’t force yourself to accept abuse for the sake of making it “work out”. Because it’s hard work and if you work harder you can change him. You can’t. He has to take all of these steps as well.

  22. I needed this today. Thank you.

  23. Good stuff. It’s not easy. We are in a very different season of our lives right now, so extra effort is necessary to make sure we are connecting daily. Keeping Christ first is a must for us! Thank you for sharing your heart!

  24. What a fabulous post! I couldn’t agree more! Thanks for sharing.

  25. Wow, you are truly inspiring! Wish I had this 15 months ago.

  26. I agree with this post. I spent 24 years in a ridiculous bad marriage. I tried everything I could to help my wife get off drugs. In the end she went back to drugs and I gained my freedom. Today I am happily married to my very best friend. We choose to love each other everyday. And she knows how to keep me. We were both mistreated in our previous relationship. And loving my wife now is so easy and seems so natural that I can’t ask for anything more.

  27. I really liked what you said and totally agree. My husband and I will be married 15 years this year and this is spot on! I shared foru friends to read as well.

  28. So true! Loved this!

  29. This is a must read for all newly married couples that are just out of the honeymoon stage because when the honeymoon ends, life begins, this is when you learn too lean. I’ve been married too the same guy for 49 years and yes we still love each but sometimes we don’t like each other. We always know who got our back, I got his and he has mine. Together Forever.

  30. here is my take….I believe in you choosing you first, and him choosing himself first……..when I place me first, I am in a better mood, I smile more, I am lighthearted, sweeter….I hum while doing dishes, I carry my own weight…..I also fully expect my husband to put himself first……he needs to take care of his needs too in order for him to be in a good mood, a better hubby, the best dad. he can be…when we both put ourselves first we are both in a better mood…..that way when he does do something nice it’s from his heart, not from a guilt trip, or some convoluted expectation….that way when I do something nice for him, it’s with no strings attached, no expectation of a similar ‘gift’ from him…no, it’s plain and simple a nice gesture…..every day I make a kale salad for myself…knowing that my hubby also loves them I always make him a bowl and leave it for him in the morning….no sweat off my back, I just added more leaves……..most days he will text me and thank me for the salad…if he does not text, that is okay too….I did it without expecting anything in return, not even a thank you, for I already KNOW he loves it and appreciates it already….I think the expectation from ‘the other’ become less weighty, less essential once you take care of you…..
    1 min · Like

  31. excellent, well said!

  32. Bridget Fullwood says:

    Thank you for posting. It speaks to my heart during a very difficult time in my life.

  33. This is exactly what I needed to hear today!

  34. exactly all of it right

  35. I’ve been married for 23 years and today is one of those days where I needed to read this. Thank you.

  36. Thank you!!! Its amazing how God uses others to speak to us and He knows exactly when & what we need to hear. Your words are such a blessing that spoke to my heart!

  37. I used to think this way too! Just look through his phone anand find his porn and then tell me he chooses YOU everyday! Marriage is a lie.

    • @K.D. – I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sorry you’ve had a negative experience. The only person I can change in my relationship is myself. I cannot control my husband and what he does, but if we are both putting in the effort, I truly believe that a happy marriage is possible.

  38. LOVE this post, honestly I have tried before to put into words how I feel about marriage and you just did it for me. Marriage is not easy and I don’t believe in soul mates… I believe love is a choice, like you said, commitment is a choice 🙂

    Thanks for this post 🙂 xo

  39. I agree with Miriam Cutelis, looking after yourself is very important.

  40. Jaclyn Woods says:

    Lauren:
    My mother shared this to me in a message…my mother who is not a fan of marriage for her own reasons and was not a fan of MY marriage. We have come a long way in the short 2 years that my husband and I have been married…my mom and I and my husband and I for that matter! This, this that you shared, is beautiful. It spoke to me the first time and then the second and third time in a totally different way. The fact that my mother shared this with me spoke to me even more so on a completely different plane. I read this out loud to my husband tonight and he enjoyed it and it sparked a heartfelt meaningful needed conversation. So, for all of these things I thank you. I owe this conversation to you and I owe the cleared up darkish spot in my heart that was always worried about my mother’s opinion on my mate and my life’s choices. Thank you. A million times I thank you.
    I will continue to check in on what you share and I hope that you do in fact continue to share.

  41. This article really transformed me last year, and ever since then I have told countless people about it… It came back up on my facebook newsfeed today in my memories and I had to re-read and re-post this again because it was so impact-full for me. It is so easy to get caught up in the wants of the moment with all the social media and social pressure that reminders like this are just what we all need sometimes…. we chose our spouse and we need to choose them every day, especially when it is the most difficult. Thank you again.

  42. just a dude says:

    This sounds like a lot of work!

  43. Thank you for this post. I am where you were in many ways. Here is my big question: you said that one of the 3 things you learned is that “sometimes you have to leave”. Are you leaving? There seems to be some disconnect between “I know how to choose love. I know love is a choice.” and “sometimes you have to leave”. I am trying to make a choice every day to love my mate. But — how long can one sustain this? There are some couples who never struggle with this. They may have their ups and downs and their trying periods but — they wake up every morning knowing that they deeply love the person on the pillow next to them. The don’t need to make a “choice” every day. Our daughter does not like coconut. She just doesn’t. I can tell her that every day she has to make a choice to try coconut. Eventually she will create a habit where she can tolerate coconut. But — it doesn’t mean she likes coconut. … as you can see, I’m a bit lost.

    • @Don – I’m a little bit confused about your question. I re-read my post and didn’t see anywhere where I said “sometimes you have to leave”. Perhaps you could clarify?

  44. Brooke P. says:

    Loved the perspective, but didn’t love the “OCD about everything” comment. Unless of course you truly have OCD. I’m a writer and a copy editor. I understand there will always be negative feedback when put ourselves out there. Nature of the game. But as someone who has a diagnosed mental illness (depression), it’s flippant comments like that that need to be stopped. It’s those very phrases that minimize the actuality of a condition like OCD. It’s a real — and heavy — struggle for millions of people. That being said, I’m sorry if you truly have OCD. It’s a tough burden to carry.❤️

    • @Brooke P – I get where you’re coming from about the OCD comment, but I actually do struggle with OCD tendencies. It’s not full-blown, but it is something I am working through with a therapist.

  45. Just came across this on Facebook and this spoke to me and I couldn’t Agee with you more! Thank you for this reminder! Marriage is work and to many people give up with out putting in enough effort!

Trackbacks

  1. […] wives as well. It’s all about finding little ways to choose love on the daily (inspired by this post I wrote in case you haven’t read it yet) and anyone is welcome to take part in […]

  2. […] to hold my tongue instead of lashing out with a low blow when I’m feeling frustrated,” she writes of her decision to choose love. “It is not walking away during a fight and hashing it out in a positive way. It is buying his […]

  3. […] was the case after this post about Choosing My Husband Daily and the Choose Love Challenge I hosted. The point of these […]

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